Leaving a Legacy

Have you ever thought about the legacy you are leaving? The word, legacy, is using considered something handed down from one generation to the next.  What are YOU doing to pass down to the next generation.  How do you want to be remembered? 

About 10-years ago, when I was working with the National Cancer Institute, I attended a ceremony that discussed "leaving your legacy." I'm not really sure what the key points were to the presentation but I started thinking about my LEGACY. What will my children learn from me? What will others remember about me? What can I do everyday in my life to leave my legacy? 

Today, I am reminded about how I will leave my legacy and I encourage you to think about what you will do. Today and hopefully everyday I hope to (1) "show up" whenever possible, (2) advocate for yourself and others (3) speak from your heart and mind, (4) don't be afraid to speak with leaders and (5) have faith and courage. 

Cancer has really impacted my life - especially what I can and can not do on certain days.  My first key point "show up" whenever possible means I want for myself and my children to not just show up physically to a commitment but show up mentally and emotionally too.  Be 100% committed to whatever you are doing.  Give all that you are and all that you have to the task.  For my kids, don't just show up for class but absorb all the information you can from the teacher! If there are distractions, try to push those out and do all you can to be 100% present in the moment.  Interact with the teacher or coach or situation so that you receive all the rewards the situation has for you.    

As a Public Health Practitioner, I have lived my professional life telling others the importance of advocating for others.  Now that I am a cancer patient, I understand more than ever the importance of advocating for myself.   God has given us a voice to speak up in when you or others are not being treated properly.  As I am raising three children, I almost daily tell them to advocate for others. This fact will be important for them now - as students, when they become professionals in the work-world, and when they become a spouse and have children. I am trying to instill in my sons how to treat females.  In the light of the Harvey Weinstein nastiness, I need to think ahead of how my boys might react to sexual situations, when they are older.  I want them to respect women on all levels and in any situation, think with their brains and not other body parts.  This is my prayer.  I also pray that my daughter will advocate for herself when it comes to fighting off boys sexual advances that I know will someday happen; in addition to advocating for herself in the workplace/world when a man's idea is taken over a hers.  I also want all my children them to advocate for others who don't have the voice to speak up for themselves. Any injustice is wrong and it is our duty to advocate for anyone who can't do so for themselves, make the world better.   

One way to advocate is to speak from your heart and mind.  Think about what you want to say; say it respectfully and with dignity.  I have to say, this is sometimes I struggle saying things respectfully and with dignity.  When I was in my 20's a dear friend told me that I have a very reactive personality - if someone says something in a nasty tone to me, I often react in the same tone.  Some 20-years later, I find myself sometimes in difficult situations. It is my behavior towards a situation that can dictate an outcome. On a daily basis, I want for my family to be mindful of what they say and how they say it.  Our words are powerful and can effect change.  My prayer is that the words I speak, and the words my family speak, can come from our hearts and that we can be respectful and act with dignity in any situation.  

Sometimes in life, we are put in situations were key leaders need to know what you are experiencing or wanting to change.  We need to remember not to be afraid to speak with leaders.  Sometimes, it can be intimidating to speak up and voice your concern. It can be intimidating to go against the flow. Don't just talk to be heard, talk to make a change! 

Lastly, have faith and courage! Life is not always going to be easy. We are not entitled to a single thing in life, we need to work for everything on earth but what we don't have to work for is that, with our faith in Jesus, we are ensured a place in heaven.  Our faith ensures God's love on us and that his grace frees us from all our wrongs.  Have faith in something bigger than yourself, have courage to stand up for yourself and others, and to fight for what you believe in! 

Until I blog again, God's blessings to each of you. 

My Fight isn't Over...

My fight is far from over.  After having an eventful summer, gaining energy everyday, last week my world came crashing down.  I went from feeling strong and courageous to feeling weak and scared.

This summer I had a hysterectomy to decrease my cancer risk.  The surgery went fairly well, except they couldn't take my cervix because of all the scar tissue that had developed from my pregnancies.  A few weeks ago, my oncologist changed my anti-cancer medicines that I need to take for 10-years.

One week ago today, my body had a severe reaction to the medicine - making my upcoming surgery that Friday questionable.  My surgery had been scheduled for 3 months, I fought so hard to get well enough for it.  You see, the radiation I received months ago severely burned my body, inside and out. I also had 2 emergency surgeries because of a severe infection in my left breast that caused my left expander needing to be removed.  All of these procedures had made my left breast looking mangled.

On Friday, September 22nd, I had fat grafting surgery performed.  This is a procedure where they take a some fat from my belly (believe me - they could have taken WAY MORE) and place the fat in the areas that were most damaged.  The latest research shows this practice is very beneficial for patients in similar circumstances as mine.

Because of the severe reaction from the anti-cancer meds and my latest surgery, I now feel like a shell of who I was.  I know, with time, I will regain my strength and courage but right now...I feel defeated. I can't wash my family's clothes, cook or even load the dishwasher and I've missed events for my kids.  I know it will just take time, like it did before, to get back into my groove - but I want it NOW.
I don't want to think about cancer anymore! Some people have questioned if my latest surgery was "worth it" and all I can say is YES! If I didn't do everything I could to help heal my body - why wouldn't I?

Other people don't understand why I cashed in retirement funds to buy Abby a pony or why I let Caleb do all his sports.  You know why.....it's because I might die much sooner than anyone because of this bastardly disease.  If I can make my kids dreams come true and have them learn life lessons at the same time - I'm going to do it! I am living each day as if it's my last.  Yes, any of us can be killed today or tomorrow (as we know from Micah) but it's my goal to teach my kids life lessons NOW while I can! I want to carpe diem - seize the day, each and every day.

As I seize each day the most God has to give me, I will take one obstacle at a time.  I will take each criticism at a time, and I will ask God for strength with every task.  My life is not yet over, my fight isn't over.  My next surgery is in December to place another tissue expander into my left side and finalize my reconstruction in 2018.   There is a 10% chance my surgeries can be finalized in December - but I'm not banking on that.

So until next time, carpe diem my friends.  Seize each day for what God has planned for you!

Our Retreat from Breast Cancer

To say that I have been running away from breast cancer since my last treatments is an understatement. My family was also tired of this viscous disease.

Months before, after a round of chemo - when I couldn't sleep -- I ran across an organization called Little Pink Houses of Hope that gifts free week long vacations to breast cancer patients and their families.  I applied (not thinking we would get accepted - you all know my bad luck) and miraculously our family picked along with 10 other families from across America and Canada.

Our family was gifted a trip to Scottsdale, Arizona in May.  I truly believe this was a gift from God. He knew what our family needed ...... rest and reconnecting with each other without thinking about this dreadful disease.  Little Pink provided a wonderful, 4-bedroom house with a swimming pool for us.  We had daily outings (that were optional - but how could you NOT want to go on such fun adventures), they fed us and gave us just the right amount of family time.

One day we went paddle boarding at a local lake (yes, there is water in the desert), another day we made pottery and we even took in a pro-baseball game! Our whole family was able to truly relax and my kids even fought less!

On the last night in Scottsdale, we were given balloons and were asked to write down what we wanted to "release".  I wrote FEAR.  Every single day of my life, I pray that my cancer doesn't come back because if it does, I will likely die from the disease, earlier rather than later.  Dan was playing with Nathan and my cute little 5-year old was just happy to have a balloon to play with.  Abby wrote LESS FIGHTING WITH MY BROTHERS which is valid for an 11-year old girl who has had to take on much more responsibility since my diagnosis.  Caleb wrote down ANGER on his balloon. When  I read it - I broke down in tears.  My sweet, 11-year old boy, has anger about MY disease. Why is this something he never told me....why didn't he tell me...how could I take his anger away? I realize I can't take away his anger towards my cancer, because I have it too, but this last in Arizona gave me an epiphany - as much as I had hoped I had shielded my kids from this disease, they have had to grow up and deal with things that I couldn't shelter them from.

I will forever be grateful for my Little Pink family.  I daily pray for all the other families we met and the volunteers that made the week possible.  What they gave my family can never be repaid.

Be An Explorer!

I woke up at 5am this morning thinking to myself "There is good in everyone.  Be an explorer & find the good in someone today!" 

I then realized my 1-year cancer-versary" is coming up on April 20th; it's my milestone of the day I was diagnosed with cancer.  The day is so clear in my memory.  It was mid-morning and Dan was in the garage.  The phone rang.  It was my radiologist, one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet. She proceeded to tell me that I had breast cancer. She wanted to keep talking but I called for my husband to come into the house and put the radiologist on speaker-phone so my husband could hear what she was going to say to me.  Truthfully, a year later, I really don't remember what she said.  I just know that my life changed forever.  I lost control.  

When I say "I lost control" I mean that from my cancer diagnosis day I lost control of so many things in my life - for example, my days are now dictated on when I have doctor appointments or how I am feeling.  When I was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation, there were days I could barely walk, shower or even care for my three young children.  I went from being a happy full-time mom (who loved to make home-made meals for her family), a pastor's wife, an assistant professor, a substitute teacher and a community activist to being a cancer patient who had to now rely on others for almost everything.  

After chemotherapy and radiation ended, I had a renewed sense that my life was going to "get back on track and that I could take back control." I was going to regain control of MY life.  Everyday I tried to do a little more and eventually I got back to doing my families laundry, cooking and some cleaning.  I was able to go back to church, when my immune system was stronger, and I started back with some community volunteerism again. 

Life was moving in the right direction although I knew I still had issues with my left breast because of the severe radiation.  I was determined to do what needed to be done to treat the lymphedema of the breast (which is a rare occurrence).  I met weekly with an Occupational Therapist weekly for help and was determined to not let this get in my way.  

In my need for control, I started planning our annual Vacation Bible School (in December) and even wrote our Christmas program for December of 2017.  I started a spreadsheet to track all my medical bills.  I started planning our family vacation to Disney World with some of our extended family for this upcoming November. I planned the meals I was going to cook for the next few months!

Cancer had robbed me from so much last year that I was bound and determined to not let cancer interrupt my life in 2017!Amongst my need for control, my body was telling me something wasn't right, about a month ago.  I had intense pain but I thought if I could focus on other things that I could "get over" whatever was ailing me.  Doctors kept telling me that if I wasn't running a fever that everything was okay.  I started taking over-the-counter pain receivers often and that did not help much. I switched heavier pain killers (left over from my bilateral mastectomy for relief) still thinking that this cutting pain under my left breast would eventually subside.  Upon the urging from two dear friends, I went into the ER, and required emergency surgery due to a severe infection of the expander in left breast.  Less than 24 hours later, I required another surgery to remove damaged tissue and muscle from the infection.  I spent a week in the hospital and truthfully - most of it was a blur.  So much for taking back control!

In the month since my hospital stay, I'm getting stronger and am back doing most of my daily activities.  I'm even going through each closet, nook and cranny to get rid of the "extras" in my life that I don't need - because in all reality - it's just more crap I have to clean, wash, or put-away. What's really important in life is GRACE.  Do you know what God's grace is? My eloquent and loving husband, who is also a pastor, explains that grace is a gift from God we don't deserve.  In my last blog, I questioned if I would have chosen to have breast cancer invade my body. I'm still unsure of the answer but one thing is for certain - it is by God's grace that I am alive.  God could have let me die.

Do I have some of the worst luck in the history of all breast cancer patients - always being stricken with all the "rare occurrences" -- YES! But my life is a gift from God that I don't deserve.  God forgiving each and every one of my daily sins is an act of grace.  God continues to show me how much I have to learn.Grace has also been shown by so many of you to me as I've gone through this past year.  There are not enough "thank you's" for all the prayers, food, laundry services, cleaning services, flowers, cards and all the other goodies you have bestowed upon me.  My doctors have also shown grace in my oncology care.  I have been stubborn (about some things) and my physicians have shown me how much I have yet to learn."I continue to be humbled by the kindness and gratitude of others.

I am again reminded that "There is good in everyone! Be an explorer & find the good in someone today!" 

Have fun being an explorer - find the good in someone today and soak in God's grace! 

Fighting with Courage and Joy in 2017

As I reflect on 2016 and the coming of 2017, one question keeps entering my mind: would I have chosen to have breast cancer invade my body? Initially, I would have emphatically said HELL NO but upon further reflection, I'm not sure... CRAZY isn't it! 

I believe, God allowed my cancer, crazy as it sounds. I had to learn (and continue to learn) things about myself.  Others have also also learned various things from my cancer -- although I'm not sure entirely sure of the what or why of everything.   

I recently learned of Theodore Roosevelt's - Competitor's Creed, written in 1899 and it inspired me. He states: "It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes up short again and again; who knows the enthusiasm, the great devotions, and spends himself in worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end of the triumph of high achievements; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knows neither defeat nor victory." 

As I think of the Competitor's Creed, I reflect on previous 8 months and other key moments in my life.  In 2017, I want to live life more for me and my priorities.  At the end of my life, I want my children to know my journey was about what Christ wanted me to do and not what I had to do in life for my critics. Sometimes in life, I think we put more emphasis on what our critics say about us. Sometimes we are our own critic. In the end it is not the critic who counts, in the end, it is our walk with Christ and believing in Him. 

When my children are older, I hope they can say that even in though at times, when my body was marred by dust and sweat and blood - that I never gave up and that I fought harder and harder, striving valiantly whatever the situation. 

When I had Micah's blood on my hands, trying to save his life, I realized I had to let him die, he was un-savable, I had to fight to let him go.  I had to fight to forgive the accident.  I had to fight to not kill myself. I fought for me.  

When I was pregnant with the twins, I had some complications to carry them to full-term.  I fought for Caleb and Abby to live. When Abby was born with a rare disease, I fought to find her the best possible medical care - I fought for her.  When I delivered Nathan, I had complications on the operating table, I fought to live for Caleb, Abby, Nathan and Dan.  

In April, when the doctor called to say I had invasive breast cancer, I began another fight.  My physicians treated me with the world's toughest drugs, specifically formulated to kill my cancer. First, the cancer was removed from my breast, choosing a double mastectomy to ensure all cancer was removed.  The surgery was hard and I fought. Chemotherapy has been the hardest fight, oh how it drained my body and soul yet I continued to fight and fight and fight.  Radiation also proved challenging at times, causing weeks of pain but I'm continuing to fight. 

In 2017, I will continue to receive HER-2 therapy, every 3-weeks, until May. This is a special form of chemotherapy that targets specific cancer cells that could be floating around in my body.  This coming year I will also have a total hysterectomy that also removes my ovaries - this will help lower my future cancer risk; I will also undergo breast reconstruction surgery. I will also be on anti-cancer drugs for the next 10 years.  Cancer will not win. I will continue to fight, and strive valiantly.  I'm in the arena ready to take on what needs to be done. I will do everything possible to cure cancer in my body and help others in their cancer fight.    

In 2017, I want my family to know they are my most worthy cause - I will forever do what is necessary for them, I will always fight for them. I will always strive valiantly for them and for my loved ones. In 2017, I want to continue to teach my kids that although I and they err daily and comes up short again and again, I'm thankful we have a Lord who will forgive me, and they them.  I will continue to ask daily for forgiveness and always try harder to do better. 

In 2017, I hope to show my children that no matter my situation, my enthusiasm for life -- my joy -- will always show through! I want to show them that their behavior can show God's love. I hope my children can say that I lead by example and that the joy of Lord was my strength.   

In 2017, I want to more deeply devote myself to my priorities, my worthy causes in life.  All my priorities are represented on my hand: (1) God, my thumb that points up and without Him I am nothing; (2) Dan, my pointer finger, that point back to me and I to him; (3) my children, my middle finger, that can get the majority of my attention and who are my legacy; (4) my family and community are my ring finger and (5) any worthy causes God wants me to take on (working in Public Health or as a Pastor's wife) represents my pinky finger, I ultimately work for God and will do what He wants. This year, I want a deeper relationship with my Lord; I want a healthier relationship with my husband; I want a closer relationship with my children and my family; and I want to embody the spirit, skills, and new experiences God has for me in the future! 

In this coming year, I want to embrace the value to triumph! I want my children to embrace value triumph! I want us to embrace trying, fighting and earning triumph! I want us to try new things, venture into new arenas and embrace the uncertainty.  I want to show my family that even though they might have tried and failed at something, they should be proud that they tried.  Failure is hard.  I truthfully despise failure but if I fail, or if my children fail at something, we will fail daring greatly, fighting with courage and joy, knowing we tried where others have not.  

Happy New Year everyone! 

Being Strong and Courageous Amidst the Pain of Radiation

As of today, I have 5 more radiation treatments - hallelujah! On Friday, I will have undergone 25 radiation treatments. Although radiation has been "easier" on me than chemotherapy, it has still been VERY difficult and painful.


When I started this blog, at the beginning of my cancer treatments, it's purpose was to be educational. As awkward as it is, here is a photo of my breasts from last week (it's worse this week). As you can see, I have extreme swelling from the lymphedema in both breasts, I have an extreme sunburn from the radiation and I also have extreme brusing under my left armpit. I also have trouble swallowing, at times, also because of the radiation - making it feel like I am swallowing glass. I am also pretty exhausted. There are days that I could sleep ALL DAY!


You've probably heard of women having lymphedema in their arm due to breast cancer treatments. I am the rare example of a woman having lymphedema in the breast. Lymphedema is a potential side effect of breast cancer surgery and radiation therapy that can appear in some people during the months or even years after treatment ends. Basically, lymph is a thin, clear fluid that circulates throughout the body to remove wastes, bacteria, and other substances from tissues. Because of my breast surgery, I had many lymph nodes removed from under the arm. The lymph nodes they removed, had a primary function of removing "bad things" from my tissues. Radiation is now cutting off and/or damaging some of the remaining nodes and vessels through which lymph moves. Over the last few weeks, the radiation has overwhelmed the remaining lymph pathways, resulting in a backup of fluid in my left breast. The lymph fluid is also finding its way off to right breast because my body doesn't know what to do with it. To help alleviate this situation I see a lymphedema therapist that uses special massage techniques to move fluid into working lymph nodes. This type of therapy isn't going to work overnight and I have do the massage techniques 1-2 times a day at home but we are trying to "retrain" the body to take the lymph fluid to different pathways to get out of my body.


Before a few weeks ago - I never thought of my lymph fluid or the effects of radiation and now I pretty much think of it 80% of my day and wish there was an easier process. I am in constant pain because of radiation but people can't tell because I try to put a smile on my face and live a "normal" life. I'm being strong and courageous amidst the pain of radiation.


On a positive note, my hair is regrowing! I've got a punk look and it's so easy to take care of! My eyebrows are s...l...o...w..l...y regrowing but I've had some eyelashes fall out (bummer). Also, after a deer totaled our car last month, we think we have found our replacement car. We were blessed to have 20 people at our house for Thanksgiving and are now looking forward to celebrating Jesus' birth during this Christmas season. God's blessings to each of you.

Being Strong and Courageous during Radiation

This week I started radiation therapy. Radiation therapy is a treatment with high-energy rays or particles that destroy cancer cells.  There are two different types of radiation (this is me on the left) where I am in an external radiation machine where the radiation comes from this machine.

The reason I am having radiation is to help lower my chance that the cancer will come back in my left breast or any nearby lymph nodes.  Additionally, during my mastectomy my cancer was larger than expected and I had lymph node involvement which scientifically indicates the need for radiation therapy.  

Last week, I met with my radiation team who took careful measurements on my chest and sternum to figure out the correct angles for aiming the radiation beams and the proper dose of radiation. I even received my first tattoos (although they are just little dots...) The small tattoos on my skin are used as a guide to focus the radiation on the right area.

External radiation therapy is much like getting an x-ray, but the radiation is stronger. My radiation oncologist is trying a new procedure on me because my heart and lungs are so close to where the radiation needs to be guided.  During my procedure, I take a deep breath, thus moving my heart and lung farther away from the radiation area and that is when they treat me with radiation.  The procedure itself is painless. Since this is the first time the Marshfield Clinic has used this procedure, the setup time - getting me into place for treatment—usually takes about 30 minutes and the treatment lasts about 15 minutes.  We are hoping that this time will decrease with each treatment as we all get used to this process.  The hardest part for me during this procedure is keeping my arms above my head for such a long time (my arms are under the blue blankets).

I will receive a total of 25 radiation treatments, Monday - Friday (excluding holidays).  There are some risk factors to radiation therapy such as:

• Swelling and heaviness in the breast
• Skin changes in the treated area
• Fatigue

Soon I will be meeting with a lymphedema specialist because radiation has chance to cause damage some of the nerves to the arm which can lead to numbness, pain, and weakness in the shoulder, arm and hand. Additionally, I can have pain and swelling in the arm or chest. But wait - it gets more fun...
radiation therapy may weaken the ribs, which could lead to a fracture AND radiation can damage parts of the lungs and heart! 

Just as with chemotherapy, I'm not going to focus on the possible side effects.  Modern radiation therapy equipment allows doctors to better focus the radiation beams, so these problems are rare today. I am grateful technology and modern medicine have come such a long way in the area of breast cancer.  Even though I wouldn't have wanted breast cancer, I am being strong and courageous in this fight of breast cancer and I hope this blog and any future work in my life can help other men and women suffering from this disease.  Remember... BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS!  

Feeling Beautiful and Loved Against the Odds

The feeling of beauty, acceptance and love is often difficult for women to attain.  Many of us feel ashamed or wish we could change things about our body or wish we could feel beautiful - like God views us.

As a child, my physical features were joked about.  I wasn't the most popular kid, I struggled with school but was always sought better.  Never could I imagine that in my 43rd year of life, I am still "seeking" a better life.  I believe we are ever-changing creatures, learning from our past, born to question the present and embrace what God has set in your path.  

In my cancer journey, I have now completed all 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  Last week, doctors performed multiple tests on my heart to make sure the chemotherapy did not harm it too badly. I will also continue my HER-2 therapy that I will receive every 3 weeks for the next 9 months.  Tomorrow I embark on my next phase of cancer treatment - radiation.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of decisions that needed to be made between my Radiation Oncologist and myself last week.  It was an overwhelming experience that I was not prepared for. I will have 25 radiation treatments, Monday - Friday for 5.5 weeks. Later in the year, I expect to have a PET scan to ensure all the cancer has been killed and in 2017, we are expecting to schedule a total hysterectomy after I complete my HER-2 therapy along with my breast reconstruction.  

In April 2016, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my initial mindset focused on ridding cancer from my body.  I didn't care what needed to be done to save my life.  Honestly, I am 100% confident that I made the right decision regarding my healthcare.  Today, I am looking forward to the days, months and years ahead.  I don't know what the future holds, but I am now looking at how I "see" me, how my husband and children "see" me and most importantly - how God "sees" me.

My insecurities from childhood, compounded with my adult insecurities, in addition to my cancer scars across my chest have left me feeling less than beautiful.  I have little to no feeling across my chest and my left upper arm is slowly regaining feeling, although I doubt I will ever have feeling in my left armpit (one less tickle spot for me - yahoo). 

At times, my children have seen my scars.  They ask questions and I am honest with them.  My youngest often asks if I'll get more "boo-boo's" and if they hurt.  He also says to me, at least 25 times a day (ever since my last hospital stay) "Mommy, I love you sooooo much." This warms my heart beyond belief and I'm worried the day will come too soon when he doesn't say it to me.  My daughter has been the best nurse/helper.  When I'm feeling really bad, she has taken over the caring and loving for the family.  She is also worried that she will "get cancer" when she's a mom.  I can only pray that that she will be spared from this pain and suffering. My oldest son is my protector.  He can see when my body is not as strong as my will and he tells me to stop when I think I can keep going.  Each of my children have been so strong throughout these last six-months.  I  am so proud of them.  They are what keep me going and partly where I see my beauty. They see my scars but that's only on the surface, they see my soul.

My dear sweet husband, my soulmate, my best-friend has been my rock.  He has been there from the moment the doctor said "you have breast cancer" and I know I have his unwavering love.  We have been through so much in our marriage.  I truly know that our marriage in Christ-centered because any other marriage would have crumbled under such circumstances.  I know and my husband has told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he loves me unconditionally.

Although I have unconditional love from my husband and my children, my insecurities and my fears have outweighed how I should see myself as a beautiful and sexy woman.  I truly want to embrace my beauty.  I owe it to my children and to my husband.  I also owe it to myself.  But, one question remains, how......how do I embrace my beauty?

I have no clear-cut answers to my own question.  I was hoping that through this writing process, I would find answers.  I will continue to pray that I can see and feel the beauty God has given me, no matter what my circumstances.  I will try to accept love given to me from husband and family.  I will try to embrace confidence and seek feeling more beautiful everyday.  I will try to always show my children they are the most beautiful and handsome children in the world so that they grow up never doubting in their beauty or intelligence. Throughout everything, I will try to stay strong and courageous amidst the odds...

How to Help an Introverted & Independent Woman with Breast Cancer - Helping Her be Strong & Courageous

How to help an Independent, Stubborn & Introverted  Woman & Mom with Breast Cancer

As many of you know, I can often be called...independent, stubborn, and introverted (some of you may even have more colorful terms).  With many of these God given attributes, it is often hard for me to ask for help. Suggestions I would give to others with friends going through a crisis such as breast caner or even a death: 

• Just DO It - Don't say"Call me anytime you need."  
• Just show up in her life. Help with anything you would typically be doing in your household.  Even though it's hard to accept help, it's easier for the person to accept help than ask for help.  
• Ask when she has appointments and tell her when you are available to take her.  
• Set up a meal plan for the family.
• A good friend set up a "meal train" for people in the community to bring food for us every Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  This has has been invaluable to us.  Although the breast cancer patient may not eat the food others bring, it is sustaining her family and she doesn't need to worry about how to feed her family. There are many websites that you can use to set up an Internet meal planning guide.  
• Help mother her children.  
• Invite her children over for play-dates or sleep-overs.  It is hard for children to see their mother sick and they may want to ignore the cancer.  Talk to her kids about their feelings and thoughts.  No matter their age, they are thinking about their mom's cancer a lot! You may be that safe person who they trust to tell you their true feelings that they may not want to burden their mom with.  Your investment in your friends children will mean so much to not only the the child but also the parents.  
• Don't tell her about all the people you have known who have died of cancer.  
• Even though you are well intentioned, you don't need to share your experience with cancer in your family, especially if your loved-one died from the disease.  No matter the prognosis of the patient, the thought of death is not one she wants to think about.  The cancer patient will put more effort into keeping her tears away and will be polite and just let you talk.  
• Don't talk about your experiences in front of her children. Again, you are well intentioned on sharing your stories of how cancer touched your family, children's ears are always listening to conversations.  
• When you don't know what to do: 
• Pray: The most powerful thing you can do is daily pray for her and the family.  God hears your prayers and will answer them with His will.  Personally, there are days that I don't know how I survived - for me, I felt prayers.  I knew God was carrying me when I could barely survive. Also pray for her husband, although his faith may be strong - this is a scary time for him.  
• Send a card or care package & don't expect a thank you card. I have kept every card that has been sent to me.  I often look over them and read.  Including a personal note in the card means so much to the patient. Care packages are also such a sweet thing to send to the cancer patient. Your gift is a little gift of love but please don't expect a thank-you note because the patient, most likely, has no energy to write it.  Call, text or message your friend and ask if they received your gift - just to make sure it arrived - but don't expect a thank you.  

Being Strong and Courageous - Amidst the Fear

Chemotherapy Round Number Five is Complete! 

It is 10:30 at night and I have steroids from today's chemotherapy raging throughout my body - screaming "YOU CAN'T GO TO SLEEP! SHARE YOUR STORY." 

I also have chemotherapy drugs running throughout my body screaming: "Ha Dr. Courtney Joy Watson Schoessow...you have dangerous chemicals running throughout your body.  We are here to kill any cancer cells, hell.....any cells! We are here to make you feel like hell (again)! I'll then let you have a few good days and then BAM.... BOOOM.......POW....You'll get your LAST chemotherapy and we'll do it all over again! 

Oh the joys of chemotherapy! 

Last week, if you would have asked me where I was in my cancer journey, I probably would have said that I can't even see the end of the tunnel.  There is so much ahead in my journey left: one more chemotherapy treatment with 2 weeks of it's associated hell; weeks of daily radiation to my left breast; total hysterectomy surgery and then final reconstruction of my breasts.  With each treatment listed, there is a myriad of decisions to be made.  I ask myself "What are the best practices to this procedure?; How will it effect my children & my husband; What does it mean for my future? Will it extend my life? Is it worth it? 

Tonight I can tell you that I can see a slight glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  Six more weeks of chemotherapy...."You can do anything for 6 more weeks" I keep telling myself.  I also continue ponder "Why me God? Why did you choose ME to get breast cancer?

Almost 20 years ago (geez - I never imagined I'd say that); while finishing up my Master's level studies at the University of Hawaii to receive a Master of Public Health degree, I prayed one night to God.  "Here am I God, send me. I will go to the streets of New York City, the plains of Africa.  Here am I send me." 

Long story short, God sent Dan into my life.  I was ready to enter the mission field for God but I was NOT prepared to be a pastor's wife. HELLO.......I DON'T FIT THE MOLD OF PASTOR'S WIFE! I fought God on His plans.  I laughed and said "God....you've got the wrong girl.  I know you must have a sense of humor but it's not funny! I can't sing, I don't sew, I can't play the organ, I talk to kids about sex in my work role and hell - I swear! I'm NOT pastor's wife material." I was consumed with fear but God kept telling me to be strong and courageous.  

On November 11, 2000, I married Rev. Daniel Ray Schoessow in Anderson, Texas.  It had been his first congregation out of seminary and he had been there for almost a decade.  The members of Zion Lutheran Church and the Anderson community opened their hearts and homes to us.  I began to learn that not being the typical pastor's wife was okay.  I made mistakes along the way.  I grew as a Christian and as a wife.  

In August of 2003, we delivered our first born son, Micah David Schoessow.  He was the most precious miracle Dan and I could have asked for.  He was perfect.  His church grandparents and his real grandparents spoiled him.  He was loved by all.  In late October 2004, Micah was run over in our church parking lot and killed almost instantly.  I blamed myself for his death.  At times, I still do. The community and the church rallied around us and helped us heal.  I'll never forget the evening of his death a community member said "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." I resented this sentence for many years.  I hadn't asked to be a pastor's wife! I didn't want to be looked at by others.  I wanted to hide and not show others how hard life is without your baby.  I contemplated suicide.  I knew exactly how I could kill myself. God saw my hurt and told me to find my reason for living.  My reason for living was my husband.  I vowed to love and honor this man forever.  If I killed myself, it would devastate him.  I struggled through each day, committing to love more, to do more! Again, I was amidst the fear and God kept telling me to be strong and courageous. 

Dan and I knew that we wanted another child.  Micah left such a gap in our lives.  We tried to conceive immediately but after months of failed attempts I was at my wits end.  I made a doctor's appointment.  We talked about future steps and took the required course of action.  My body though, still under complete shock of the tragedy, was rebelling.  Even though I thought I was dealing with my grief, I wasn't completely.  Several months later, we went in for another doctor's appointment. The doctor was adamant we couldn't conceive that month.  I was devastated.  "Lord, I have given up my son for you, I miscarried a baby before Micah, why...why Lord won't you give me a baby!" I prayed to God that he send us twins.  It was only fair in my mind, He has two babies of mine in heaven, therefore, I want two babies on earth.  Sound fair - right? 

Needless to say, the month the doctor said there was no way I could get pregnant that month, later confirmed that I was indeed pregnant.  I insisted that I needed an ultrasound because I just din't believe her.  As I looked on the ultrasound, I was in awe of what I was witnessing.  There was one baby and then there was ANOTHER baby! It was twins! God had answered my prayers.  The joy and elation in the room was electric! Then my very pragmatic husband says "yippie - two tax deductions!" Who says that???? 

Later that year, a woman started coming to our small rural church, located 1.5 hours north west of Houston.  She had tried churches before but it was "never her thing".  I remember talking with her after a church service, where she explained to Dan and I that ever since Micah died, she had been watching us and we continued to dedicate our lives to Christ even though our lives had been devastated. She said that if we could become closer to God, so could she.  She met with Dan over the next few months, joined our new member class and eventually joined the church.  What an amazing day - God had given me a reason for my son dying at only 14 months of age.  God was giving me answers.  

In March of 2006, our beautiful twins were born via c-section.  When Caleb was delivered, the whole Operating Room (OR) was filled with clammer and doctors and nurses each doing their jobs diligently.  I could hear him cry and all was well with the world.  Tears of joy fell my eyes because God was answering our prayers.  At the time Abigail was delivered, the OR fell completely silent.  I knew something was wrong.  Dan said "Courtney, she only has hair on 1/2 her head".  My sarcastic response..."I'm the one on drugs - you have to be wrong." I then heard my baby girl cry and I knew everything was going to be okay." After they took the babies to get their testing and baths, the nurses brought the twins into my hospital room.  Caleb had flunked his hearing test but he was as cute as a bug.  I then held Abby and took off her hat to see what Dan had told be about in the OR. Sure enough - my baby girl had this punk rocker hair on 3/4 of her head.  Abby was born strong and confident.  She wanted to stand up right away and turn her head in every direction to show me that was one tough chick! 

The next day, the pediatrician came into the room.  He called Dan aside to speak with him.  I was taken aback because...hello....I'm the medical professional in the family; Dan's the pastor.  "Talk to me - I want to hear this! Dan came back and told me that Abby was born with a large hairy nevus.  It's a rare thing and the physician had only seen it in medical text books.  I soon called my friend and had her bring her laptop to the hospital so that I could do my own research on Abby's condition.  The first scientific journal article I read discusses the high mortality rate in children with this disease.  I literally lost it, I cried, I asked God why?, I prayed for answers.  Then that sentence that has haunted me for years crept back into my subconscious "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." I became angry at God.  Again, I didn't ask for this! I want to be a "normal" family! I want Abby to be normal and live a normal life! That day, I vowed to be the best mother I could be to my two children and the best wife to my husband, regardless of being a pastor's wife or not.  Again....I was amidst the fear and I continued to seek God and be strong and courageous. 

My maternity leave was filled with changing diapers, breast-feeding both children at once to keep them on a schedule, I was meticulous on when and what happened.  In my "spare" time I scoured the Internet for more information on Abby's rare disease.  I found a non-profit organization, Nevus Outreach, located in Oklahoma that is dedicated to finding a cure and providing hope for parents and children associated with large/giant congenital nevi! I called the organization and quickly learned of the best doctor's in Texas and in the nation.  Needless to say, Abby had 9 surgeries in her first 2.5 years of life to remove the nevus from her scalp.  She does have an associated brain tumor, that is inoperable, and could one day possibly turn cancerous but we live each day knowing God is in control.  

A little more than five years passed since the twins were born.  Dozens of churches had called Dan and asked if he was interested in serving as their pastor.  Dan had a typical response to those congregations and it always ended with "If you really feel called by God, you can put me on your call list but I'm really happy where I"m at." One night the phone rang, and I could tell it was a call from a church asking if he was interested in moving.  This time his response to the church was different.  He said  "If you really feel called by God, you can put me on your call. I look forward to hearing from you."  I remember turning around and questioning him....."What did you just say???" I had a great job, life was good.  Of course, we had people in the church who disliked Dan.  Every church has it.  It was daunting to face them but the word of the Lord remains the same - Jesus is love and He died for your sins.  PERIOD. Yet, as I pondered the possible move to this new congregation, I was again amidst the fear of the unknown.  I asked God to change my heart of this is what He wanted. 

Almost a year went by and we had heard back from the congregations who were interested in Dan being their pastor.  Hilariously, one of the churches was the congregation where I was baptized and attended until I was in fist grade.  The churches of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church in Granton and Christ Lutheran Church in Chili, Wisconsin had extended a call to my husband. Through unfortunate circumstances, Dan initially declined the call.  Our church family was elated that we would continue to serve them but then the Wisconsin churches extended their call again to Dan.  Lutheran Church Missouri Synod pastors use the Divine Call process when deliberating taking a call.  It's an enormous decision that not only effects the family but in this case three churches.  After much prayer, Dan accepted the call to Wisconsin after serving in Texas for 19 years.  Yesterday, September 13th we celebrated five years of ministry in central Wisconsin - amidst the fears of moving 1800 miles to a land that we were familiar with but with so many uncertainties.  

On the day we moved to Wisconsin, my mother, who weeks earlier was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer, was having brain surgery to biopsy the cancer and seek treatment plans.  She was given 6-9 months to live.  I questioned if moving across the country was the best for my family.  I had plans to renovate the downstairs laundry room for her hospital bed so that I could care for her.  On September 28th, my daddy's birthday, we received news that her initial diagnosis was wrong and she had indeed suffered strokes and would NOT be dying anytime soon! Hallelujah! 

During our move across the country and dealing with my mother's heath conditions, I was also pregnant with our son Nathan, who was born in January 2012.  The twins were thrilled to be the big brother and sister (although Abby was disappointed it was a boy & still insists having a sister would have been much better).  Nathan was plagued with several ear infections before he was two-years old. He never complained so I didn't really know what, if anything, was bothering him.  The older he became, the more transparent it was that his speech was delayed.  We quickly found services for him; he received tubes in both ears to assist with any ear infections and he was assigned wonderful speech therapists to aid him in a long road to learning how to formulate sounds.  I felt like I had failed as a mother, I was amidst the fear and prayed to be strong and courageous and fight for my child and help him as much as I could. 

Oh, how could I forget to mention that on the same day I found out I was pregnant with Nathan, I also learned that I was accepted into a doctoral program in health administration.  You see, I had prayed to God that either he would let me conceive a child OR become accepted to a doctoral program to help advance my PublicHealth career.  Notice I said "OR".  God does have a sense of humor (hardy har har....) All I could think of was how am I going to do this? Then Dan received the call to Wisconsin and then my mother was given 6-9 months to live.  GOD....REALLY? Again FEAR! Yet, I'm proud to say that three years after being accepted into the doctoral program, I graduated with high honors from the Medical University of South Carolina! 

Exactly one year ago today, September 15, 2015, Nathan was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Again, our world turn upside down.  Again the quote from the community member in Texas crept into my head "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." My initial response..."God No! Why? I don't understand your plan!" Tonight as I write this, I still don't know His plan for why my youngest son has a chronic life-threatening disease that has to be highly controlled or he might die.  There are only two people besides Dan and I that could care for him if Dan or I couldn't be with him. I get it....Type 1 diabetes is scary to treat; there is carbohydrate counting and giving insulin. We have considered a pump for him but he hates change to his diabetes routine and just because a person wears a pump - it doesn't make life any less scary or easy.   I fear Nathan's health and I fear overusing our friends that can care for Nathan.  I want the world's doors to be opened for him and I will continue to pray to be strong and courageous for all my children.  

It was April 2016, I went in for a routine mammogram and OBGYN screening.  I was not scared.  My whole Public Health Practitioner career I counseled women on the importance of screening and the evidence-based medicine that could save their lives if breast cancer was diagnosed early.  The day after my mammogram, I received a call that I needed to come in for a repeat mammogram.  My thought..."Okay, no biggie...just tell me when and where". The next day I went in for the procedure and within 10 minutes a petite young radiologist came into my exam room and told me there were more tests that needed to be performed to rule out beast cancer.  "You have an 80% chance this is nothing...don't worry until we know more more." The following Monday I was scheduled for a breast biopsy.  I decided to drive myself - I had done everything else myself - no biggie .... right? The procedure had gone as planned and I was told to have minimal movement on that side for 24-48 hours and keep ice on the site.  Needless to say, my car didn't start in the parking lot - not a person in sight to help so I did what any stubborn/independent woman would do - I fixed the problem myself. Yet, by the time I got home, my body had given out and I was starting to suffer the consequences. Two days later, the petite young radiologist called at 8:30 AM.  Dan was getting the trash ready to be picked up by the garbage company.  I called for him to come into the house while I put the doctor on speaker phone so I had another set of ears hear what she was about to say "Courtney, I'm afraid to tell you that you have breast cancer.  It's invasive and we need to schedule you with an oncologist, a surgeon and a plastic surgeon to discuss the best course of treatment." Amidst the fear of cancer, I again ran to God to be strong and courageous.  

Five months ago, I had no idea how my life would change due to the words "you have cancer." Again my subconscious recollected the quote "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." I often became mad and resent this quote when I remember it being said.  Remember, I didn't ask to be a pastor's wife.  Hell, I never thought someone would love me or even want me to be his bride. Yet, amidst the awful effects of the chemotherapy treatment, I recollected by prayer some 20 years ago when I committed to going wherever and doing whatever God had planned for me.  Maybe these life events have occurred because we are missionaries.  I hadn't ever seen myself as a missionary but truthfully, that is what my family is. We are missionaries, currently residing in Granton, Wisconsin.  I hope we retire here but God could call us at any time to serve others in the world.  We are at God's mercy.  I could never have imagined the great joys God has brought into my life and the deep sorrows associated with the above events. 

Yet in each experience, I had fear. Today, I'm grateful for the fear but I'm more grateful that the Lord has given me the strength and the courage to face each fear. You may not think that God is listening to you in your life right now but I guarantee He is.  He has a plan for YOU.  Seek God in his temple, the church, listen and read His word, receive His Holy Communion for the forgiveness of sins and do His will.  Seek out other Christian friends who can help you in this journey.  Share your story of how God has allowed awful things in your life to happen yet also thank Him for all your daily blessings (big and small).  Reflect on the your journey and seek wisdom.  Be strong and courageous - amidst the fear! 

Accepting the Sick Role - Chemo Round 3

A lot has happened in our life since my last post:

My hair started falling out about 14 days after my 1st chemo treatment & we had a head-shaving party in the back yard! I truly have family & friends who are super-heroes!

I had to accept the "sick-role" and realized that the chemo treatments would take me down but not take me out.

For years, as a public health practitioner, I have studied the "sick role" in various cultures.  I had a huge light-bulb moment when I realized the researcher had become the patient who could now totally relate to all the populations I had studied over the years. Again, my family & friends are super-heroes because when I am unable to care for myself, they scoop me up and take care of me without question.

As many of you know, chemotherapy is meant to cause havoc with you body.  Without going into detail ... my stomach has been the most effected.  Most people get constipated because of the drugs but (of course) I'm the odd one! I am thankful for the clinic and hospital staff that allowed me to come in for fluids regularly after chemo #2.  

I am praying all of my after chemo drugs on round #3 will control my stomach issues sooner rather than later :-).  Did you know that I take 3 pills after my chemo that cost $10,000 and I have medical device placed in my arm after each chemo to help with my immunity that cost $7,000! CRAZY! 

As look ahead to my upcoming chemo on Thursday (hopefully) I am thankful for all the cards, meals, phone calls, care packages and prayers.  I have given-up on writing thank-you cards, which I know is totally rude, but I hope that you would agree that my few "good" days should be spent having fun with my kids.  

May God continue to bless each of you and again - thank you for your love and support. 

Being Strong and Courageous - After Chemo Round #1

It's hard to believe it's been one-month since my double mastectomy and one-week since my first round of chemotherapy. Although we have have had some ups and some downs - at the end of the day, I go to sleep with a smile on my face and thank God for all the blessings He continues to give to our family.

I'm happy to say that my Red Breast Syndrome has cleared up.  More research and patient education materials need to be explored regarding this rare phenomenon. Basically, my body had an allergic reaction to the cadaver cartilage they placed in my chest wall.

Last Monday, I had another surgical procedure to place a port on the right side of my chest (it is threaded into my superior vena cava) and will be used to give my chemotherapy, draw blood, etc. for all of my future treatments. 

My first chemotherapy session (out of 6 sessions) was a success! I quickly learned that steroids cause me to act like a squirrel on CRACK!! After coming down from my "high", each day I had a little less energy.  Saturday, I hit rock bottom, it was as if I had an out-of-body experience.  I had never passed out before, but I think I probably came pretty close on Saturday. Later in the day, I had severe nausea and little energy.  Since then, my stomach has experienced constant diarrhea, back pain, and scalp tingling - where I can only imagine that my hair follicles are dying at the scalp.

As for now, I know my immune system is compromised - therefore, when I see you in the community, I will need to give you air hugs.  The smallest infection could put me in the hospital.

Abby left this morning, with her horse trainer, to attend a competition with her pony.  She is so excited to take on new challenges and I'm excited to see her excel in a sport she loves.  The twins leave next week for church camp and although I know that I will miss them terribly, I have thankful they will be able to make great memories with friends.  Nathan has his endocrinology appointment today - cross your fingers that everything goes well!

Being Strong and Courageous - Facing the Treatment Plan

Yahoo - It's been 2 weeks since my double mastectomy and I'm doing GREAT! I had doctor appointments yesterday and here's the rundown:

• Plastic Surgery
• The surgeon is happy with my progress.  I am now drain-free and they put 50 more cc's into each tissue expander.  My final reconstruction will happen at least 6-months post radiation treatments.  
• I can feel my nerves starting to regenerate on my left arm, underarms and across my chest. 
• Oncology
• The oncologist was happy that we went with the bilateral mastectomy. My tumor was 2.8 cm and I also had numerous pre-cancerous areas in my left breast.  
• My right breast came back with no abnormalities but I have reduced my cancer risk for the future.  
• My chemotherapy treatment plan is called TCHP (click the link to read about my treatment plan). I will begin chemo in 2 weeks and go every 3 weeks for 6 different treatments.  
• After chemotherapy is over I will do radiation therapy because my cancer is so aggressive and my lymph nodes were involved.  
• I will also take a different therapy for 52 weeks (yup - that's right ladies and gents.... a whole YEAR....)
• Then I will be on an anti-cancer drug for 10 years.  

Friends, my cancer was found through my annual screening mammogram. As a Public Health Practitioner I have always taught that screening saves lives - I am now a testimony that screenings works! My cancer could not be felt with fingers, it was microscopic.  It is highly deadly and fast spreading.  If this cancer was not detected early, my prognosis would be very different.  Friends, be proactive active with your health, be your own advocate - your family needs you!!  

Many thanks to the people who have brought meals, helped with housework, brought flowers and had us in your prayers.  This will be a long year of treatment, we will be strong and courageous throughout this fight. 

To God be the Glory!  

Being Strong and Courageous - Amidst the Fear

The mind/body connection has always amazed me. Earlier this week, I wrote about being strong and courageous - amidst the anger. Despite thinking that I am handling this journey just fine - my body and mind continually remind me that I need to embrace more challenges, my next challenge being strong and courageous amidst the fear. 

It's been hard to sleep (without pain killers) after surgery. I have drain-tubes and incisions that hurt.  It's so hard to get comfortable and really SLEEP.  One night this week, I had a horrible nightmare. Someone had kidnapped one of my children and as you know...nobody messes with my kids! The rest of the night, I fought off evil to protect my children.

After waking up from my nightmare, I was able to realize that my the connection of my dream to my cancer. Although, I as normal human, thought I was handling my journey, I subconsciously was fearful this disease was going to take me away from my children.  In my dream, I would do anything to protect my children and that remains true in this journey, I will do anything to ensure they are protected.  This nightmare, helped me realize that even though life can throw me curveballs, I will continue to do ANYTHING for my for my priorities in life.  

My priorities in life can be mapped out using my hand.

• My thumb
• Points up to Christ and back to me.  Christ guides me and I work for Christ
• Pointer Finger 
• Points to my loving husband. Dan keeps me accountable, cares for me unconditionally and has been amazing in this journey
• Middle Finger
• My children are the result of Christ and my husband.  They can sometimes be pains in my side but .... my children are my gifts from God, my legacy and my true joy. 
• Ring Finger
• My family that loves and supports me; my parents, family, friends & church family
• Pinky Finger
• My community that loves and supports my family and I. 

My journey might be long but I will continue to stand with being strong and courageous amidst fear because Christ is my guide; Dan is my helper; Caleb, Abby & Nathan are my gifts;  my family and community are given to me by Christ to help and guide me in this journey.  To Him be the GLORY! 

Being Strong and Courageous - Amidst the Anger

1-week post bilateral mastectomy 

Over the last few days, I've been reflecting on the purpose of my blog, how honest am I with you; to whom am I really writing for? Ultimately, I see this blog as an educational opportunity with 100% honesty.

Truthfully, I knew at some point, I would go through the
"stages of grief" in dealing with my cancer and as my usual way of dealing with things....I don't do anything "normal."

It has been one month since my diagnosis.  I did for a brief moment....think to myself..."I've been through enough crap.  R.E.A.L.L.Y??? Okay God, if this is what you have planned for me...let's do this.  Let's do this.  LET'S DO THIS!"

I then realized (very quickly)....nooooo.....I don't want this to hurt my children! "God - let's do this but ....let's spare my kids."

Yesterday's doctor's appointment went great! Both surgeons (yes - each breast had their own surgeon) said I was doing great! I had two of four drains removed and they are hopeful I can be rid of the other two drains next week!  The doctor's also said I could take a shower!!!! YAHOOOOOO!!!!

Last night, I couldn't handle my excitement....I put a plastic folding chair in the shower, turned on the water, lined up my shampoo, razor and soap.  Let's do this! Who cares that Dan is over at church in a meeting.  I'm one week post-surgery, I got a GREAT report from the doctor's, HELL yes - Let's DO this!

A few minutes into the shower I realized this was probably a REALLY bad decision.  I had to call for Abby to help me finish my shower.  Caleb was there for back-up.  This Southern Mama was humiliated.  Thanks to my kids, I finished my shower, got dressed and crawled into bed.  The evening was full of physical and emotional pain with an onslaught of anger towards a disease that has impacted my kids, my husband and my community.

I'm now having to "give in" to the fact that....yes....cancer is in me but it is effecting change in so many more people than just me. I'm learning that it's not up to me to control the disease and its consequences. Perhaps, God will use this opportunity to teach how to accept grace from others, embrace the loss of control and the willingness to go where I never would have thought.  I know God will use me for His will.  "Let's do this. LET'S DO THIS! L.E.T.S. D.O T.H.I.S!!!!"