I then realized my 1-year cancer-versary" is coming up on April 20th; it's my milestone of the day I was diagnosed with cancer. The day is so clear in my memory. It was mid-morning and Dan was in the garage. The phone rang. It was my radiologist, one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet. She proceeded to tell me that I had breast cancer. She wanted to keep talking but I called for my husband to come into the house and put the radiologist on speaker-phone so my husband could hear what she was going to say to me. Truthfully, a year later, I really don't remember what she said. I just know that my life changed forever. I lost control.
When I say "I lost control" I mean that from my cancer diagnosis day I lost control of so many things in my life - for example, my days are now dictated on when I have doctor appointments or how I am feeling. When I was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation, there were days I could barely walk, shower or even care for my three young children. I went from being a happy full-time mom (who loved to make home-made meals for her family), a pastor's wife, an assistant professor, a substitute teacher and a community activist to being a cancer patient who had to now rely on others for almost everything.
After chemotherapy and radiation ended, I had a renewed sense that my life was going to "get back on track and that I could take back control." I was going to regain control of MY life. Everyday I tried to do a little more and eventually I got back to doing my families laundry, cooking and some cleaning. I was able to go back to church, when my immune system was stronger, and I started back with some community volunteerism again.
Life was moving in the right direction although I knew I still had issues with my left breast because of the severe radiation. I was determined to do what needed to be done to treat the lymphedema of the breast (which is a rare occurrence). I met weekly with an Occupational Therapist weekly for help and was determined to not let this get in my way.
In my need for control, I started planning our annual Vacation Bible School (in December) and even wrote our Christmas program for December of 2017. I started a spreadsheet to track all my medical bills. I started planning our family vacation to Disney World with some of our extended family for this upcoming November. I planned the meals I was going to cook for the next few months!
Cancer had robbed me from so much last year that I was bound and determined to not let cancer interrupt my life in 2017!Amongst my need for control, my body was telling me something wasn't right, about a month ago. I had intense pain but I thought if I could focus on other things that I could "get over" whatever was ailing me. Doctors kept telling me that if I wasn't running a fever that everything was okay. I started taking over-the-counter pain receivers often and that did not help much. I switched heavier pain killers (left over from my bilateral mastectomy for relief) still thinking that this cutting pain under my left breast would eventually subside. Upon the urging from two dear friends, I went into the ER, and required emergency surgery due to a severe infection of the expander in left breast. Less than 24 hours later, I required another surgery to remove damaged tissue and muscle from the infection. I spent a week in the hospital and truthfully - most of it was a blur. So much for taking back control!
In the month since my hospital stay, I'm getting stronger and am back doing most of my daily activities. I'm even going through each closet, nook and cranny to get rid of the "extras" in my life that I don't need - because in all reality - it's just more crap I have to clean, wash, or put-away. What's really important in life is GRACE. Do you know what God's grace is? My eloquent and loving husband, who is also a pastor, explains that grace is a gift from God we don't deserve. In my last blog, I questioned if I would have chosen to have breast cancer invade my body. I'm still unsure of the answer but one thing is for certain - it is by God's grace that I am alive. God could have let me die.
Do I have some of the worst luck in the history of all breast cancer patients - always being stricken with all the "rare occurrences" -- YES! But my life is a gift from God that I don't deserve. God forgiving each and every one of my daily sins is an act of grace. God continues to show me how much I have to learn.Grace has also been shown by so many of you to me as I've gone through this past year. There are not enough "thank you's" for all the prayers, food, laundry services, cleaning services, flowers, cards and all the other goodies you have bestowed upon me. My doctors have also shown grace in my oncology care. I have been stubborn (about some things) and my physicians have shown me how much I have yet to learn."I continue to be humbled by the kindness and gratitude of others.
I am again reminded that "There is good in everyone! Be an explorer & find the good in someone today!"
Have fun being an explorer - find the good in someone today and soak in God's grace!
Courtney, I read them. ALL of them.... Your 'life story.' WOW! You are SO much more awesome-er than I already thought you were! You are an amazing mom, wife, SURVIVOR and motivator! You humble me and I sit here on my couch with your words replaying in my mind. The courage and positive attitude you possess has no doubt helped you in your journey throughout. Your Love for Christ leaps out of the words and feelings you share on your blog and I am so thankful that I was given the time to read your story. You make me want to be closer to Him simply by stating how you want to serve Him. (As do I) You ARE strong, BEAUTIFUL and courageous! (Not used to seeing you in the couple of pictures with long hair!) :-) Blessings to you and your beautiful family!
ReplyDeleteI have been following this website for more than 2 years now, admin kindly post and share this to give other brain tumor patients hope that they can get a cure.
ReplyDeleteThree years ago I was diagnosed with GBM after a CAT scan. I went through neurosurgery, radiation, and 14 months of chemo treatments but the symptoms all remained and even doubled, the constant thundering headache, seizures was twice than it was before, i could no longer think straight and i had constant mood swing and trouble speaking i was almost feeling at the gate of hell because these symptoms were unbearable. I am retired but very active spending my time to make the world a better place. I retired from a career in law and non-profit administration, and judging from how active i was this new life was not working and i was patiently waiting for when i will give up the ghost. My husband never accepted the fact that he will lose me to the cold hands of death which was what made him to seek other treatment options and that was how he came across "elixir" a herbal medicine treatment which i took for 12 weeks and it gave me a second chance in life, gave me a new life and totally cured me of my cancer. My neurologist had told me before then while i was at the hospital that i had less than 4 months with the rate at which the tumor was growing and expanding. I am happy today because i am completely free of cancer because i have ran several tests and diagnosis because i am still in shock on the efficacy of elixir. Never give up hope or rely only on chemo or other surgical treatments because herbs work too, i never believed until now that i have experienced it. You can contact doctor Rahul personally for advise, counselling and how to get elixir on drghandiherbs@gmail.com I am grateful for every day that I am still alive and well.