Being Strong and Courageous - Amidst the Anger

1-week post bilateral mastectomy 

Over the last few days, I've been reflecting on the purpose of my blog, how honest am I with you; to whom am I really writing for? Ultimately, I see this blog as an educational opportunity with 100% honesty.

Truthfully, I knew at some point, I would go through the
"stages of grief" in dealing with my cancer and as my usual way of dealing with things....I don't do anything "normal."

It has been one month since my diagnosis.  I did for a brief moment....think to myself..."I've been through enough crap.  R.E.A.L.L.Y??? Okay God, if this is what you have planned for me...let's do this.  Let's do this.  LET'S DO THIS!"

I then realized (very quickly)....nooooo.....I don't want this to hurt my children! "God - let's do this but ....let's spare my kids."

Yesterday's doctor's appointment went great! Both surgeons (yes - each breast had their own surgeon) said I was doing great! I had two of four drains removed and they are hopeful I can be rid of the other two drains next week!  The doctor's also said I could take a shower!!!! YAHOOOOOO!!!!

Last night, I couldn't handle my excitement....I put a plastic folding chair in the shower, turned on the water, lined up my shampoo, razor and soap.  Let's do this! Who cares that Dan is over at church in a meeting.  I'm one week post-surgery, I got a GREAT report from the doctor's, HELL yes - Let's DO this!

A few minutes into the shower I realized this was probably a REALLY bad decision.  I had to call for Abby to help me finish my shower.  Caleb was there for back-up.  This Southern Mama was humiliated.  Thanks to my kids, I finished my shower, got dressed and crawled into bed.  The evening was full of physical and emotional pain with an onslaught of anger towards a disease that has impacted my kids, my husband and my community.

I'm now having to "give in" to the fact that....yes....cancer is in me but it is effecting change in so many more people than just me. I'm learning that it's not up to me to control the disease and its consequences. Perhaps, God will use this opportunity to teach how to accept grace from others, embrace the loss of control and the willingness to go where I never would have thought.  I know God will use me for His will.  "Let's do this. LET'S DO THIS! L.E.T.S. D.O T.H.I.S!!!!"