Feeling Beautiful and Loved Against the Odds

The feeling of beauty, acceptance and love is often difficult for women to attain.  Many of us feel ashamed or wish we could change things about our body or wish we could feel beautiful - like God views us.

As a child, my physical features were joked about.  I wasn't the most popular kid, I struggled with school but was always sought better.  Never could I imagine that in my 43rd year of life, I am still "seeking" a better life.  I believe we are ever-changing creatures, learning from our past, born to question the present and embrace what God has set in your path.  

In my cancer journey, I have now completed all 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  Last week, doctors performed multiple tests on my heart to make sure the chemotherapy did not harm it too badly. I will also continue my HER-2 therapy that I will receive every 3 weeks for the next 9 months.  Tomorrow I embark on my next phase of cancer treatment - radiation.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of decisions that needed to be made between my Radiation Oncologist and myself last week.  It was an overwhelming experience that I was not prepared for. I will have 25 radiation treatments, Monday - Friday for 5.5 weeks. Later in the year, I expect to have a PET scan to ensure all the cancer has been killed and in 2017, we are expecting to schedule a total hysterectomy after I complete my HER-2 therapy along with my breast reconstruction.  

In April 2016, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my initial mindset focused on ridding cancer from my body.  I didn't care what needed to be done to save my life.  Honestly, I am 100% confident that I made the right decision regarding my healthcare.  Today, I am looking forward to the days, months and years ahead.  I don't know what the future holds, but I am now looking at how I "see" me, how my husband and children "see" me and most importantly - how God "sees" me.

My insecurities from childhood, compounded with my adult insecurities, in addition to my cancer scars across my chest have left me feeling less than beautiful.  I have little to no feeling across my chest and my left upper arm is slowly regaining feeling, although I doubt I will ever have feeling in my left armpit (one less tickle spot for me - yahoo). 

At times, my children have seen my scars.  They ask questions and I am honest with them.  My youngest often asks if I'll get more "boo-boo's" and if they hurt.  He also says to me, at least 25 times a day (ever since my last hospital stay) "Mommy, I love you sooooo much." This warms my heart beyond belief and I'm worried the day will come too soon when he doesn't say it to me.  My daughter has been the best nurse/helper.  When I'm feeling really bad, she has taken over the caring and loving for the family.  She is also worried that she will "get cancer" when she's a mom.  I can only pray that that she will be spared from this pain and suffering. My oldest son is my protector.  He can see when my body is not as strong as my will and he tells me to stop when I think I can keep going.  Each of my children have been so strong throughout these last six-months.  I  am so proud of them.  They are what keep me going and partly where I see my beauty. They see my scars but that's only on the surface, they see my soul.

My dear sweet husband, my soulmate, my best-friend has been my rock.  He has been there from the moment the doctor said "you have breast cancer" and I know I have his unwavering love.  We have been through so much in our marriage.  I truly know that our marriage in Christ-centered because any other marriage would have crumbled under such circumstances.  I know and my husband has told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he loves me unconditionally.

Although I have unconditional love from my husband and my children, my insecurities and my fears have outweighed how I should see myself as a beautiful and sexy woman.  I truly want to embrace my beauty.  I owe it to my children and to my husband.  I also owe it to myself.  But, one question remains, how......how do I embrace my beauty?

I have no clear-cut answers to my own question.  I was hoping that through this writing process, I would find answers.  I will continue to pray that I can see and feel the beauty God has given me, no matter what my circumstances.  I will try to accept love given to me from husband and family.  I will try to embrace confidence and seek feeling more beautiful everyday.  I will try to always show my children they are the most beautiful and handsome children in the world so that they grow up never doubting in their beauty or intelligence. Throughout everything, I will try to stay strong and courageous amidst the odds...