Leaving a Legacy

Have you ever thought about the legacy you are leaving? The word, legacy, is using considered something handed down from one generation to the next.  What are YOU doing to pass down to the next generation.  How do you want to be remembered? 

About 10-years ago, when I was working with the National Cancer Institute, I attended a ceremony that discussed "leaving your legacy." I'm not really sure what the key points were to the presentation but I started thinking about my LEGACY. What will my children learn from me? What will others remember about me? What can I do everyday in my life to leave my legacy? 

Today, I am reminded about how I will leave my legacy and I encourage you to think about what you will do. Today and hopefully everyday I hope to (1) "show up" whenever possible, (2) advocate for yourself and others (3) speak from your heart and mind, (4) don't be afraid to speak with leaders and (5) have faith and courage. 

Cancer has really impacted my life - especially what I can and can not do on certain days.  My first key point "show up" whenever possible means I want for myself and my children to not just show up physically to a commitment but show up mentally and emotionally too.  Be 100% committed to whatever you are doing.  Give all that you are and all that you have to the task.  For my kids, don't just show up for class but absorb all the information you can from the teacher! If there are distractions, try to push those out and do all you can to be 100% present in the moment.  Interact with the teacher or coach or situation so that you receive all the rewards the situation has for you.    

As a Public Health Practitioner, I have lived my professional life telling others the importance of advocating for others.  Now that I am a cancer patient, I understand more than ever the importance of advocating for myself.   God has given us a voice to speak up in when you or others are not being treated properly.  As I am raising three children, I almost daily tell them to advocate for others. This fact will be important for them now - as students, when they become professionals in the work-world, and when they become a spouse and have children. I am trying to instill in my sons how to treat females.  In the light of the Harvey Weinstein nastiness, I need to think ahead of how my boys might react to sexual situations, when they are older.  I want them to respect women on all levels and in any situation, think with their brains and not other body parts.  This is my prayer.  I also pray that my daughter will advocate for herself when it comes to fighting off boys sexual advances that I know will someday happen; in addition to advocating for herself in the workplace/world when a man's idea is taken over a hers.  I also want all my children them to advocate for others who don't have the voice to speak up for themselves. Any injustice is wrong and it is our duty to advocate for anyone who can't do so for themselves, make the world better.   

One way to advocate is to speak from your heart and mind.  Think about what you want to say; say it respectfully and with dignity.  I have to say, this is sometimes I struggle saying things respectfully and with dignity.  When I was in my 20's a dear friend told me that I have a very reactive personality - if someone says something in a nasty tone to me, I often react in the same tone.  Some 20-years later, I find myself sometimes in difficult situations. It is my behavior towards a situation that can dictate an outcome. On a daily basis, I want for my family to be mindful of what they say and how they say it.  Our words are powerful and can effect change.  My prayer is that the words I speak, and the words my family speak, can come from our hearts and that we can be respectful and act with dignity in any situation.  

Sometimes in life, we are put in situations were key leaders need to know what you are experiencing or wanting to change.  We need to remember not to be afraid to speak with leaders.  Sometimes, it can be intimidating to speak up and voice your concern. It can be intimidating to go against the flow. Don't just talk to be heard, talk to make a change! 

Lastly, have faith and courage! Life is not always going to be easy. We are not entitled to a single thing in life, we need to work for everything on earth but what we don't have to work for is that, with our faith in Jesus, we are ensured a place in heaven.  Our faith ensures God's love on us and that his grace frees us from all our wrongs.  Have faith in something bigger than yourself, have courage to stand up for yourself and others, and to fight for what you believe in! 

Until I blog again, God's blessings to each of you. 

My Fight isn't Over...

My fight is far from over.  After having an eventful summer, gaining energy everyday, last week my world came crashing down.  I went from feeling strong and courageous to feeling weak and scared.

This summer I had a hysterectomy to decrease my cancer risk.  The surgery went fairly well, except they couldn't take my cervix because of all the scar tissue that had developed from my pregnancies.  A few weeks ago, my oncologist changed my anti-cancer medicines that I need to take for 10-years.

One week ago today, my body had a severe reaction to the medicine - making my upcoming surgery that Friday questionable.  My surgery had been scheduled for 3 months, I fought so hard to get well enough for it.  You see, the radiation I received months ago severely burned my body, inside and out. I also had 2 emergency surgeries because of a severe infection in my left breast that caused my left expander needing to be removed.  All of these procedures had made my left breast looking mangled.

On Friday, September 22nd, I had fat grafting surgery performed.  This is a procedure where they take a some fat from my belly (believe me - they could have taken WAY MORE) and place the fat in the areas that were most damaged.  The latest research shows this practice is very beneficial for patients in similar circumstances as mine.

Because of the severe reaction from the anti-cancer meds and my latest surgery, I now feel like a shell of who I was.  I know, with time, I will regain my strength and courage but right now...I feel defeated. I can't wash my family's clothes, cook or even load the dishwasher and I've missed events for my kids.  I know it will just take time, like it did before, to get back into my groove - but I want it NOW.
I don't want to think about cancer anymore! Some people have questioned if my latest surgery was "worth it" and all I can say is YES! If I didn't do everything I could to help heal my body - why wouldn't I?

Other people don't understand why I cashed in retirement funds to buy Abby a pony or why I let Caleb do all his sports.  You know why.....it's because I might die much sooner than anyone because of this bastardly disease.  If I can make my kids dreams come true and have them learn life lessons at the same time - I'm going to do it! I am living each day as if it's my last.  Yes, any of us can be killed today or tomorrow (as we know from Micah) but it's my goal to teach my kids life lessons NOW while I can! I want to carpe diem - seize the day, each and every day.

As I seize each day the most God has to give me, I will take one obstacle at a time.  I will take each criticism at a time, and I will ask God for strength with every task.  My life is not yet over, my fight isn't over.  My next surgery is in December to place another tissue expander into my left side and finalize my reconstruction in 2018.   There is a 10% chance my surgeries can be finalized in December - but I'm not banking on that.

So until next time, carpe diem my friends.  Seize each day for what God has planned for you!

Our Retreat from Breast Cancer

To say that I have been running away from breast cancer since my last treatments is an understatement. My family was also tired of this viscous disease.

Months before, after a round of chemo - when I couldn't sleep -- I ran across an organization called Little Pink Houses of Hope that gifts free week long vacations to breast cancer patients and their families.  I applied (not thinking we would get accepted - you all know my bad luck) and miraculously our family picked along with 10 other families from across America and Canada.

Our family was gifted a trip to Scottsdale, Arizona in May.  I truly believe this was a gift from God. He knew what our family needed ...... rest and reconnecting with each other without thinking about this dreadful disease.  Little Pink provided a wonderful, 4-bedroom house with a swimming pool for us.  We had daily outings (that were optional - but how could you NOT want to go on such fun adventures), they fed us and gave us just the right amount of family time.

One day we went paddle boarding at a local lake (yes, there is water in the desert), another day we made pottery and we even took in a pro-baseball game! Our whole family was able to truly relax and my kids even fought less!

On the last night in Scottsdale, we were given balloons and were asked to write down what we wanted to "release".  I wrote FEAR.  Every single day of my life, I pray that my cancer doesn't come back because if it does, I will likely die from the disease, earlier rather than later.  Dan was playing with Nathan and my cute little 5-year old was just happy to have a balloon to play with.  Abby wrote LESS FIGHTING WITH MY BROTHERS which is valid for an 11-year old girl who has had to take on much more responsibility since my diagnosis.  Caleb wrote down ANGER on his balloon. When  I read it - I broke down in tears.  My sweet, 11-year old boy, has anger about MY disease. Why is this something he never told me....why didn't he tell me...how could I take his anger away? I realize I can't take away his anger towards my cancer, because I have it too, but this last in Arizona gave me an epiphany - as much as I had hoped I had shielded my kids from this disease, they have had to grow up and deal with things that I couldn't shelter them from.

I will forever be grateful for my Little Pink family.  I daily pray for all the other families we met and the volunteers that made the week possible.  What they gave my family can never be repaid.

Be An Explorer!

I woke up at 5am this morning thinking to myself "There is good in everyone.  Be an explorer & find the good in someone today!" 

I then realized my 1-year cancer-versary" is coming up on April 20th; it's my milestone of the day I was diagnosed with cancer.  The day is so clear in my memory.  It was mid-morning and Dan was in the garage.  The phone rang.  It was my radiologist, one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet. She proceeded to tell me that I had breast cancer. She wanted to keep talking but I called for my husband to come into the house and put the radiologist on speaker-phone so my husband could hear what she was going to say to me.  Truthfully, a year later, I really don't remember what she said.  I just know that my life changed forever.  I lost control.  

When I say "I lost control" I mean that from my cancer diagnosis day I lost control of so many things in my life - for example, my days are now dictated on when I have doctor appointments or how I am feeling.  When I was undergoing chemotherapy and radiation, there were days I could barely walk, shower or even care for my three young children.  I went from being a happy full-time mom (who loved to make home-made meals for her family), a pastor's wife, an assistant professor, a substitute teacher and a community activist to being a cancer patient who had to now rely on others for almost everything.  

After chemotherapy and radiation ended, I had a renewed sense that my life was going to "get back on track and that I could take back control." I was going to regain control of MY life.  Everyday I tried to do a little more and eventually I got back to doing my families laundry, cooking and some cleaning.  I was able to go back to church, when my immune system was stronger, and I started back with some community volunteerism again. 

Life was moving in the right direction although I knew I still had issues with my left breast because of the severe radiation.  I was determined to do what needed to be done to treat the lymphedema of the breast (which is a rare occurrence).  I met weekly with an Occupational Therapist weekly for help and was determined to not let this get in my way.  

In my need for control, I started planning our annual Vacation Bible School (in December) and even wrote our Christmas program for December of 2017.  I started a spreadsheet to track all my medical bills.  I started planning our family vacation to Disney World with some of our extended family for this upcoming November. I planned the meals I was going to cook for the next few months!

Cancer had robbed me from so much last year that I was bound and determined to not let cancer interrupt my life in 2017!Amongst my need for control, my body was telling me something wasn't right, about a month ago.  I had intense pain but I thought if I could focus on other things that I could "get over" whatever was ailing me.  Doctors kept telling me that if I wasn't running a fever that everything was okay.  I started taking over-the-counter pain receivers often and that did not help much. I switched heavier pain killers (left over from my bilateral mastectomy for relief) still thinking that this cutting pain under my left breast would eventually subside.  Upon the urging from two dear friends, I went into the ER, and required emergency surgery due to a severe infection of the expander in left breast.  Less than 24 hours later, I required another surgery to remove damaged tissue and muscle from the infection.  I spent a week in the hospital and truthfully - most of it was a blur.  So much for taking back control!

In the month since my hospital stay, I'm getting stronger and am back doing most of my daily activities.  I'm even going through each closet, nook and cranny to get rid of the "extras" in my life that I don't need - because in all reality - it's just more crap I have to clean, wash, or put-away. What's really important in life is GRACE.  Do you know what God's grace is? My eloquent and loving husband, who is also a pastor, explains that grace is a gift from God we don't deserve.  In my last blog, I questioned if I would have chosen to have breast cancer invade my body. I'm still unsure of the answer but one thing is for certain - it is by God's grace that I am alive.  God could have let me die.

Do I have some of the worst luck in the history of all breast cancer patients - always being stricken with all the "rare occurrences" -- YES! But my life is a gift from God that I don't deserve.  God forgiving each and every one of my daily sins is an act of grace.  God continues to show me how much I have to learn.Grace has also been shown by so many of you to me as I've gone through this past year.  There are not enough "thank you's" for all the prayers, food, laundry services, cleaning services, flowers, cards and all the other goodies you have bestowed upon me.  My doctors have also shown grace in my oncology care.  I have been stubborn (about some things) and my physicians have shown me how much I have yet to learn."I continue to be humbled by the kindness and gratitude of others.

I am again reminded that "There is good in everyone! Be an explorer & find the good in someone today!" 

Have fun being an explorer - find the good in someone today and soak in God's grace!