My Fight isn't Over...

My fight is far from over.  After having an eventful summer, gaining energy everyday, last week my world came crashing down.  I went from feeling strong and courageous to feeling weak and scared.

This summer I had a hysterectomy to decrease my cancer risk.  The surgery went fairly well, except they couldn't take my cervix because of all the scar tissue that had developed from my pregnancies.  A few weeks ago, my oncologist changed my anti-cancer medicines that I need to take for 10-years.

One week ago today, my body had a severe reaction to the medicine - making my upcoming surgery that Friday questionable.  My surgery had been scheduled for 3 months, I fought so hard to get well enough for it.  You see, the radiation I received months ago severely burned my body, inside and out. I also had 2 emergency surgeries because of a severe infection in my left breast that caused my left expander needing to be removed.  All of these procedures had made my left breast looking mangled.

On Friday, September 22nd, I had fat grafting surgery performed.  This is a procedure where they take a some fat from my belly (believe me - they could have taken WAY MORE) and place the fat in the areas that were most damaged.  The latest research shows this practice is very beneficial for patients in similar circumstances as mine.

Because of the severe reaction from the anti-cancer meds and my latest surgery, I now feel like a shell of who I was.  I know, with time, I will regain my strength and courage but right now...I feel defeated. I can't wash my family's clothes, cook or even load the dishwasher and I've missed events for my kids.  I know it will just take time, like it did before, to get back into my groove - but I want it NOW.
I don't want to think about cancer anymore! Some people have questioned if my latest surgery was "worth it" and all I can say is YES! If I didn't do everything I could to help heal my body - why wouldn't I?

Other people don't understand why I cashed in retirement funds to buy Abby a pony or why I let Caleb do all his sports.  You know why.....it's because I might die much sooner than anyone because of this bastardly disease.  If I can make my kids dreams come true and have them learn life lessons at the same time - I'm going to do it! I am living each day as if it's my last.  Yes, any of us can be killed today or tomorrow (as we know from Micah) but it's my goal to teach my kids life lessons NOW while I can! I want to carpe diem - seize the day, each and every day.

As I seize each day the most God has to give me, I will take one obstacle at a time.  I will take each criticism at a time, and I will ask God for strength with every task.  My life is not yet over, my fight isn't over.  My next surgery is in December to place another tissue expander into my left side and finalize my reconstruction in 2018.   There is a 10% chance my surgeries can be finalized in December - but I'm not banking on that.

So until next time, carpe diem my friends.  Seize each day for what God has planned for you!

Our Retreat from Breast Cancer

To say that I have been running away from breast cancer since my last treatments is an understatement. My family was also tired of this viscous disease.

Months before, after a round of chemo - when I couldn't sleep -- I ran across an organization called Little Pink Houses of Hope that gifts free week long vacations to breast cancer patients and their families.  I applied (not thinking we would get accepted - you all know my bad luck) and miraculously our family picked along with 10 other families from across America and Canada.

Our family was gifted a trip to Scottsdale, Arizona in May.  I truly believe this was a gift from God. He knew what our family needed ...... rest and reconnecting with each other without thinking about this dreadful disease.  Little Pink provided a wonderful, 4-bedroom house with a swimming pool for us.  We had daily outings (that were optional - but how could you NOT want to go on such fun adventures), they fed us and gave us just the right amount of family time.

One day we went paddle boarding at a local lake (yes, there is water in the desert), another day we made pottery and we even took in a pro-baseball game! Our whole family was able to truly relax and my kids even fought less!

On the last night in Scottsdale, we were given balloons and were asked to write down what we wanted to "release".  I wrote FEAR.  Every single day of my life, I pray that my cancer doesn't come back because if it does, I will likely die from the disease, earlier rather than later.  Dan was playing with Nathan and my cute little 5-year old was just happy to have a balloon to play with.  Abby wrote LESS FIGHTING WITH MY BROTHERS which is valid for an 11-year old girl who has had to take on much more responsibility since my diagnosis.  Caleb wrote down ANGER on his balloon. When  I read it - I broke down in tears.  My sweet, 11-year old boy, has anger about MY disease. Why is this something he never told me....why didn't he tell me...how could I take his anger away? I realize I can't take away his anger towards my cancer, because I have it too, but this last in Arizona gave me an epiphany - as much as I had hoped I had shielded my kids from this disease, they have had to grow up and deal with things that I couldn't shelter them from.

I will forever be grateful for my Little Pink family.  I daily pray for all the other families we met and the volunteers that made the week possible.  What they gave my family can never be repaid.