Being Strong and Courageous during Radiation

This week I started radiation therapy. Radiation therapy is a treatment with high-energy rays or particles that destroy cancer cells.  There are two different types of radiation (this is me on the left) where I am in an external radiation machine where the radiation comes from this machine.

The reason I am having radiation is to help lower my chance that the cancer will come back in my left breast or any nearby lymph nodes.  Additionally, during my mastectomy my cancer was larger than expected and I had lymph node involvement which scientifically indicates the need for radiation therapy.  

Last week, I met with my radiation team who took careful measurements on my chest and sternum to figure out the correct angles for aiming the radiation beams and the proper dose of radiation. I even received my first tattoos (although they are just little dots...) The small tattoos on my skin are used as a guide to focus the radiation on the right area.

External radiation therapy is much like getting an x-ray, but the radiation is stronger. My radiation oncologist is trying a new procedure on me because my heart and lungs are so close to where the radiation needs to be guided.  During my procedure, I take a deep breath, thus moving my heart and lung farther away from the radiation area and that is when they treat me with radiation.  The procedure itself is painless. Since this is the first time the Marshfield Clinic has used this procedure, the setup time - getting me into place for treatment—usually takes about 30 minutes and the treatment lasts about 15 minutes.  We are hoping that this time will decrease with each treatment as we all get used to this process.  The hardest part for me during this procedure is keeping my arms above my head for such a long time (my arms are under the blue blankets).

I will receive a total of 25 radiation treatments, Monday - Friday (excluding holidays).  There are some risk factors to radiation therapy such as:

• Swelling and heaviness in the breast
• Skin changes in the treated area
• Fatigue

Soon I will be meeting with a lymphedema specialist because radiation has chance to cause damage some of the nerves to the arm which can lead to numbness, pain, and weakness in the shoulder, arm and hand. Additionally, I can have pain and swelling in the arm or chest. But wait - it gets more fun...
radiation therapy may weaken the ribs, which could lead to a fracture AND radiation can damage parts of the lungs and heart! 

Just as with chemotherapy, I'm not going to focus on the possible side effects.  Modern radiation therapy equipment allows doctors to better focus the radiation beams, so these problems are rare today. I am grateful technology and modern medicine have come such a long way in the area of breast cancer.  Even though I wouldn't have wanted breast cancer, I am being strong and courageous in this fight of breast cancer and I hope this blog and any future work in my life can help other men and women suffering from this disease.  Remember... BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS!  

Feeling Beautiful and Loved Against the Odds

The feeling of beauty, acceptance and love is often difficult for women to attain.  Many of us feel ashamed or wish we could change things about our body or wish we could feel beautiful - like God views us.

As a child, my physical features were joked about.  I wasn't the most popular kid, I struggled with school but was always sought better.  Never could I imagine that in my 43rd year of life, I am still "seeking" a better life.  I believe we are ever-changing creatures, learning from our past, born to question the present and embrace what God has set in your path.  

In my cancer journey, I have now completed all 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  Last week, doctors performed multiple tests on my heart to make sure the chemotherapy did not harm it too badly. I will also continue my HER-2 therapy that I will receive every 3 weeks for the next 9 months.  Tomorrow I embark on my next phase of cancer treatment - radiation.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of decisions that needed to be made between my Radiation Oncologist and myself last week.  It was an overwhelming experience that I was not prepared for. I will have 25 radiation treatments, Monday - Friday for 5.5 weeks. Later in the year, I expect to have a PET scan to ensure all the cancer has been killed and in 2017, we are expecting to schedule a total hysterectomy after I complete my HER-2 therapy along with my breast reconstruction.  

In April 2016, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my initial mindset focused on ridding cancer from my body.  I didn't care what needed to be done to save my life.  Honestly, I am 100% confident that I made the right decision regarding my healthcare.  Today, I am looking forward to the days, months and years ahead.  I don't know what the future holds, but I am now looking at how I "see" me, how my husband and children "see" me and most importantly - how God "sees" me.

My insecurities from childhood, compounded with my adult insecurities, in addition to my cancer scars across my chest have left me feeling less than beautiful.  I have little to no feeling across my chest and my left upper arm is slowly regaining feeling, although I doubt I will ever have feeling in my left armpit (one less tickle spot for me - yahoo). 

At times, my children have seen my scars.  They ask questions and I am honest with them.  My youngest often asks if I'll get more "boo-boo's" and if they hurt.  He also says to me, at least 25 times a day (ever since my last hospital stay) "Mommy, I love you sooooo much." This warms my heart beyond belief and I'm worried the day will come too soon when he doesn't say it to me.  My daughter has been the best nurse/helper.  When I'm feeling really bad, she has taken over the caring and loving for the family.  She is also worried that she will "get cancer" when she's a mom.  I can only pray that that she will be spared from this pain and suffering. My oldest son is my protector.  He can see when my body is not as strong as my will and he tells me to stop when I think I can keep going.  Each of my children have been so strong throughout these last six-months.  I  am so proud of them.  They are what keep me going and partly where I see my beauty. They see my scars but that's only on the surface, they see my soul.

My dear sweet husband, my soulmate, my best-friend has been my rock.  He has been there from the moment the doctor said "you have breast cancer" and I know I have his unwavering love.  We have been through so much in our marriage.  I truly know that our marriage in Christ-centered because any other marriage would have crumbled under such circumstances.  I know and my husband has told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he loves me unconditionally.

Although I have unconditional love from my husband and my children, my insecurities and my fears have outweighed how I should see myself as a beautiful and sexy woman.  I truly want to embrace my beauty.  I owe it to my children and to my husband.  I also owe it to myself.  But, one question remains, how......how do I embrace my beauty?

I have no clear-cut answers to my own question.  I was hoping that through this writing process, I would find answers.  I will continue to pray that I can see and feel the beauty God has given me, no matter what my circumstances.  I will try to accept love given to me from husband and family.  I will try to embrace confidence and seek feeling more beautiful everyday.  I will try to always show my children they are the most beautiful and handsome children in the world so that they grow up never doubting in their beauty or intelligence. Throughout everything, I will try to stay strong and courageous amidst the odds...