Chemotherapy Round Number Five is Complete!
I also have chemotherapy drugs running throughout my body screaming: "Ha Dr. Courtney Joy Watson Schoessow...you have dangerous chemicals running throughout your body. We are here to kill any cancer cells, hell.....any cells! We are here to make you feel like hell (again)! I'll then let you have a few good days and then BAM.... BOOOM.......POW....You'll get your LAST chemotherapy and we'll do it all over again!
Oh the joys of chemotherapy!
Last week, if you would have asked me where I was in my cancer journey, I probably would have said that I can't even see the end of the tunnel. There is so much ahead in my journey left: one more chemotherapy treatment with 2 weeks of it's associated hell; weeks of daily radiation to my left breast; total hysterectomy surgery and then final reconstruction of my breasts. With each treatment listed, there is a myriad of decisions to be made. I ask myself "What are the best practices to this procedure?; How will it effect my children & my husband; What does it mean for my future? Will it extend my life? Is it worth it?
Tonight I can tell you that I can see a slight glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Six more weeks of chemotherapy...."You can do anything for 6 more weeks" I keep telling myself. I also continue ponder "Why me God? Why did you choose ME to get breast cancer?
Almost 20 years ago (geez - I never imagined I'd say that); while finishing up my Master's level studies at the University of Hawaii to receive a Master of Public Health degree, I prayed one night to God. "Here am I God, send me. I will go to the streets of New York City, the plains of Africa. Here am I send me."
Long story short, God sent Dan into my life. I was ready to enter the mission field for God but I was NOT prepared to be a pastor's wife. HELLO.......I DON'T FIT THE MOLD OF PASTOR'S WIFE! I fought God on His plans. I laughed and said "God....you've got the wrong girl. I know you must have a sense of humor but it's not funny! I can't sing, I don't sew, I can't play the organ, I talk to kids about sex in my work role and hell - I swear! I'm NOT pastor's wife material." I was consumed with fear but God kept telling me to be strong and courageous.
On November 11, 2000, I married Rev. Daniel Ray Schoessow in Anderson, Texas. It had been his first congregation out of seminary and he had been there for almost a decade. The members of Zion Lutheran Church and the Anderson community opened their hearts and homes to us. I began to learn that not being the typical pastor's wife was okay. I made mistakes along the way. I grew as a Christian and as a wife.
In August of 2003, we delivered our first born son, Micah David Schoessow. He was the most precious miracle Dan and I could have asked for. He was perfect. His church grandparents and his real grandparents spoiled him. He was loved by all. In late October 2004, Micah was run over in our church parking lot and killed almost instantly. I blamed myself for his death. At times, I still do. The community and the church rallied around us and helped us heal. I'll never forget the evening of his death a community member said "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." I resented this sentence for many years. I hadn't asked to be a pastor's wife! I didn't want to be looked at by others. I wanted to hide and not show others how hard life is without your baby. I contemplated suicide. I knew exactly how I could kill myself. God saw my hurt and told me to find my reason for living. My reason for living was my husband. I vowed to love and honor this man forever. If I killed myself, it would devastate him. I struggled through each day, committing to love more, to do more! Again, I was amidst the fear and God kept telling me to be strong and courageous.
Dan and I knew that we wanted another child. Micah left such a gap in our lives. We tried to conceive immediately but after months of failed attempts I was at my wits end. I made a doctor's appointment. We talked about future steps and took the required course of action. My body though, still under complete shock of the tragedy, was rebelling. Even though I thought I was dealing with my grief, I wasn't completely. Several months later, we went in for another doctor's appointment. The doctor was adamant we couldn't conceive that month. I was devastated. "Lord, I have given up my son for you, I miscarried a baby before Micah, why...why Lord won't you give me a baby!" I prayed to God that he send us twins. It was only fair in my mind, He has two babies of mine in heaven, therefore, I want two babies on earth. Sound fair - right?
Needless to say, the month the doctor said there was no way I could get pregnant that month, later confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. I insisted that I needed an ultrasound because I just din't believe her. As I looked on the ultrasound, I was in awe of what I was witnessing. There was one baby and then there was ANOTHER baby! It was twins! God had answered my prayers. The joy and elation in the room was electric! Then my very pragmatic husband says "yippie - two tax deductions!" Who says that????
Later that year, a woman started coming to our small rural church, located 1.5 hours north west of Houston. She had tried churches before but it was "never her thing". I remember talking with her after a church service, where she explained to Dan and I that ever since Micah died, she had been watching us and we continued to dedicate our lives to Christ even though our lives had been devastated. She said that if we could become closer to God, so could she. She met with Dan over the next few months, joined our new member class and eventually joined the church. What an amazing day - God had given me a reason for my son dying at only 14 months of age. God was giving me answers.
In March of 2006, our beautiful twins were born via c-section. When Caleb was delivered, the whole Operating Room (OR) was filled with clammer and doctors and nurses each doing their jobs diligently. I could hear him cry and all was well with the world. Tears of joy fell my eyes because God was answering our prayers. At the time Abigail was delivered, the OR fell completely silent. I knew something was wrong. Dan said "Courtney, she only has hair on 1/2 her head". My sarcastic response..."I'm the one on drugs - you have to be wrong." I then heard my baby girl cry and I knew everything was going to be okay." After they took the babies to get their testing and baths, the nurses brought the twins into my hospital room. Caleb had flunked his hearing test but he was as cute as a bug. I then held Abby and took off her hat to see what Dan had told be about in the OR. Sure enough - my baby girl had this punk rocker hair on 3/4 of her head. Abby was born strong and confident. She wanted to stand up right away and turn her head in every direction to show me that was one tough chick!
The next day, the pediatrician came into the room. He called Dan aside to speak with him. I was taken aback because...hello....I'm the medical professional in the family; Dan's the pastor. "Talk to me - I want to hear this! Dan came back and told me that Abby was born with a large hairy nevus. It's a rare thing and the physician had only seen it in medical text books. I soon called my friend and had her bring her laptop to the hospital so that I could do my own research on Abby's condition. The first scientific journal article I read discusses the high mortality rate in children with this disease. I literally lost it, I cried, I asked God why?, I prayed for answers. Then that sentence that has haunted me for years crept back into my subconscious "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." I became angry at God. Again, I didn't ask for this! I want to be a "normal" family! I want Abby to be normal and live a normal life! That day, I vowed to be the best mother I could be to my two children and the best wife to my husband, regardless of being a pastor's wife or not. Again....I was amidst the fear and I continued to seek God and be strong and courageous.
My maternity leave was filled with changing diapers, breast-feeding both children at once to keep them on a schedule, I was meticulous on when and what happened. In my "spare" time I scoured the Internet for more information on Abby's rare disease. I found a non-profit organization, Nevus Outreach, located in Oklahoma that is dedicated to finding a cure and providing hope for parents and children associated with large/giant congenital nevi! I called the organization and quickly learned of the best doctor's in Texas and in the nation. Needless to say, Abby had 9 surgeries in her first 2.5 years of life to remove the nevus from her scalp. She does have an associated brain tumor, that is inoperable, and could one day possibly turn cancerous but we live each day knowing God is in control.
A little more than five years passed since the twins were born. Dozens of churches had called Dan and asked if he was interested in serving as their pastor. Dan had a typical response to those congregations and it always ended with "If you really feel called by God, you can put me on your call list but I'm really happy where I"m at." One night the phone rang, and I could tell it was a call from a church asking if he was interested in moving. This time his response to the church was different. He said "If you really feel called by God, you can put me on your call. I look forward to hearing from you." I remember turning around and questioning him....."What did you just say???" I had a great job, life was good. Of course, we had people in the church who disliked Dan. Every church has it. It was daunting to face them but the word of the Lord remains the same - Jesus is love and He died for your sins. PERIOD. Yet, as I pondered the possible move to this new congregation, I was again amidst the fear of the unknown. I asked God to change my heart of this is what He wanted.
Almost a year went by and we had heard back from the congregations who were interested in Dan being their pastor. Hilariously, one of the churches was the congregation where I was baptized and attended until I was in fist grade. The churches of Zion Evangelical Lutheran Church in Granton and Christ Lutheran Church in Chili, Wisconsin had extended a call to my husband. Through unfortunate circumstances, Dan initially declined the call. Our church family was elated that we would continue to serve them but then the Wisconsin churches extended their call again to Dan. Lutheran Church Missouri Synod pastors use the Divine Call process when deliberating taking a call. It's an enormous decision that not only effects the family but in this case three churches. After much prayer, Dan accepted the call to Wisconsin after serving in Texas for 19 years. Yesterday, September 13th we celebrated five years of ministry in central Wisconsin - amidst the fears of moving 1800 miles to a land that we were familiar with but with so many uncertainties.
On the day we moved to Wisconsin, my mother, who weeks earlier was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer, was having brain surgery to biopsy the cancer and seek treatment plans. She was given 6-9 months to live. I questioned if moving across the country was the best for my family. I had plans to renovate the downstairs laundry room for her hospital bed so that I could care for her. On September 28th, my daddy's birthday, we received news that her initial diagnosis was wrong and she had indeed suffered strokes and would NOT be dying anytime soon! Hallelujah!
During our move across the country and dealing with my mother's heath conditions, I was also pregnant with our son Nathan, who was born in January 2012. The twins were thrilled to be the big brother and sister (although Abby was disappointed it was a boy & still insists having a sister would have been much better). Nathan was plagued with several ear infections before he was two-years old. He never complained so I didn't really know what, if anything, was bothering him. The older he became, the more transparent it was that his speech was delayed. We quickly found services for him; he received tubes in both ears to assist with any ear infections and he was assigned wonderful speech therapists to aid him in a long road to learning how to formulate sounds. I felt like I had failed as a mother, I was amidst the fear and prayed to be strong and courageous and fight for my child and help him as much as I could.
Oh, how could I forget to mention that on the same day I found out I was pregnant with Nathan, I also learned that I was accepted into a doctoral program in health administration. You see, I had prayed to God that either he would let me conceive a child OR become accepted to a doctoral program to help advance my PublicHealth career. Notice I said "OR". God does have a sense of humor (hardy har har....) All I could think of was how am I going to do this? Then Dan received the call to Wisconsin and then my mother was given 6-9 months to live. GOD....REALLY? Again FEAR! Yet, I'm proud to say that three years after being accepted into the doctoral program, I graduated with high honors from the Medical University of South Carolina!
Exactly one year ago today, September 15, 2015, Nathan was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. Again, our world turn upside down. Again the quote from the community member in Texas crept into my head "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." My initial response..."God No! Why? I don't understand your plan!" Tonight as I write this, I still don't know His plan for why my youngest son has a chronic life-threatening disease that has to be highly controlled or he might die. There are only two people besides Dan and I that could care for him if Dan or I couldn't be with him. I get it....Type 1 diabetes is scary to treat; there is carbohydrate counting and giving insulin. We have considered a pump for him but he hates change to his diabetes routine and just because a person wears a pump - it doesn't make life any less scary or easy. I fear Nathan's health and I fear overusing our friends that can care for Nathan. I want the world's doors to be opened for him and I will continue to pray to be strong and courageous for all my children.
It was April 2016, I went in for a routine mammogram and OBGYN screening. I was not scared. My whole Public Health Practitioner career I counseled women on the importance of screening and the evidence-based medicine that could save their lives if breast cancer was diagnosed early. The day after my mammogram, I received a call that I needed to come in for a repeat mammogram. My thought..."Okay, no biggie...just tell me when and where". The next day I went in for the procedure and within 10 minutes a petite young radiologist came into my exam room and told me there were more tests that needed to be performed to rule out beast cancer. "You have an 80% chance this is nothing...don't worry until we know more more." The following Monday I was scheduled for a breast biopsy. I decided to drive myself - I had done everything else myself - no biggie .... right? The procedure had gone as planned and I was told to have minimal movement on that side for 24-48 hours and keep ice on the site. Needless to say, my car didn't start in the parking lot - not a person in sight to help so I did what any stubborn/independent woman would do - I fixed the problem myself. Yet, by the time I got home, my body had given out and I was starting to suffer the consequences. Two days later, the petite young radiologist called at 8:30 AM. Dan was getting the trash ready to be picked up by the garbage company. I called for him to come into the house while I put the doctor on speaker phone so I had another set of ears hear what she was about to say "Courtney, I'm afraid to tell you that you have breast cancer. It's invasive and we need to schedule you with an oncologist, a surgeon and a plastic surgeon to discuss the best course of treatment." Amidst the fear of cancer, I again ran to God to be strong and courageous.
Five months ago, I had no idea how my life would change due to the words "you have cancer." Again my subconscious recollected the quote "Maybe this happened because you and Pastor Dan are regarded so highly in the community and others can learn from you." I often became mad and resent this quote when I remember it being said. Remember, I didn't ask to be a pastor's wife. Hell, I never thought someone would love me or even want me to be his bride. Yet, amidst the awful effects of the chemotherapy treatment, I recollected by prayer some 20 years ago when I committed to going wherever and doing whatever God had planned for me. Maybe these life events have occurred because we are missionaries. I hadn't ever seen myself as a missionary but truthfully, that is what my family is. We are missionaries, currently residing in Granton, Wisconsin. I hope we retire here but God could call us at any time to serve others in the world. We are at God's mercy. I could never have imagined the great joys God has brought into my life and the deep sorrows associated with the above events.
Yet in each experience, I had fear. Today, I'm grateful for the fear but I'm more grateful that the Lord has given me the strength and the courage to face each fear. You may not think that God is listening to you in your life right now but I guarantee He is. He has a plan for YOU. Seek God in his temple, the church, listen and read His word, receive His Holy Communion for the forgiveness of sins and do His will. Seek out other Christian friends who can help you in this journey. Share your story of how God has allowed awful things in your life to happen yet also thank Him for all your daily blessings (big and small). Reflect on the your journey and seek wisdom. Be strong and courageous - amidst the fear!
